I could have written this blog on Friday, May 13th,
2016, right after I finished my last ever final exam in law school! I had a
catchy title in mind too—“Friggatriskaidekaphilia,” my own coinage for the opposite of
friggatriskaidekaphobia, which is an actual word, meaning ‘a morbid fear of
Friday the thirteenth’. But for those impulsive needs to put down our immediate
thoughts in writing, there is Facebook. Thank you Mark Zuckerberg for creating
a vessel for our euphoria!
The ‘day after,’ Saturday, May 14th, was too
sumptuously perfect to confine myself in one place long enough to write a
full-fledged blog. I had too much restless energy still bubbling in me! I had
old photo albums to organize, trips to plan, calls to make, son’s soccer game
to attend, movies to catch, and a million Bollywood songs to listen to! Then
came the luxuriating lull of laziness. I became acutely aware that I don’t have
to sit down with the hefty law books at least for a few days! It felt surreal,
and luscious! I needed to celebrate by doing nothing. The blog could wait.
Today is Sunday. Seems like I am now removed enough from the
adrenaline-dominated feeling of lightness to appreciate that I will never find
a better time to reflect on law school than now—the ephemeral ‘gap days’ in
between the end of the finals and the beginning of the grueling bar preparation
schedule of the summer.
Law school was quite a challenge, possibly the hardest that I have ever willingly undertaken, considering where I was in life when I
started thinking seriously about law school. I had a full time job at a law
firm as a patent agent. I had a full family life with a son in elementary
school. I also had ageing parents in India who were not in the soundest of
health to visit me in California, so I promised that I would visit them twice a
year, no matter what else I had going on in my life.
While I was preparing for law school admission test, my mom
was diagnosed with stage IV liver cancer. The doctors gave her six months to a
year. So she encouraged me to get done with LSAT before going to India to see
her. I planned exactly like that, as my siblings were taking care of my mom.
But in a cruel twist of events, while I was up in the air, en route to India,
my mom went into a hypoglycemic coma. She passed away on December 21, 2012,
literally a few hours after I landed in India. My only consolation was that I
did get to spend time with her in the summer of 2012, prior to her diagnosis, when
the whole family gathered for my nephew’s rice-feeding ceremony.
After coming back to California, motivating myself to meet the February 1, 2013 deadline to apply
for law school was a real struggle. I was still shocked by the new reality of
my life—the fact that I was motherless, and I might have to fly to India on a
very short notice if my newly single dad needed me! I remember I started
writing my personal statement for the law school application package in the
very morning of the February 1 deadline. Writing about my mom’s deep influence
in shaping my dreams gave me an outlet to deal with the pain.
My law school orientation started on August 13, 2013, the
day my son turned eight years old. We pre-celebrated his birthday the weekend
before. My in-laws were visiting us in California that time. Nobody, including
myself, had a clue what to expect for the next three years. But if there was any
doubt inside their mind, my family didn’t let it show. I was sent off to the ‘first day of
school’ in style!
Then came the whirlwind of endless reading assignments,
writing assignments, quizzes, papers, mid-terms, end-terms, peppered with
occasional client deadlines at work. I cut down my work commitment
significantly to make room for law school, but deadlines are deadlines! Saying
“no” to friends’ and family’s well-meaning invitations to join them for
something fun became routine. The effortless balance that I achieved in life
before law school went missing, at least for the first year of law school. I
tried to draw inspiration from the collegiality of the classmates, the sincerity
of the professors, and the giving spirit of the university, organizing
countless social service events. The first respite came when we went to India
in December 2013 after the first semester was over. Seeing that dad was
somewhat adjusting to his widowed life was comforting. We took him to the
Sunderbans---the storied mangrove forest by the Bay of Bengal, so close to
home, but never visited before! Another semester went by, followed by a busy
summer catching up on billable hours at my law firm. Then it was time to go to
India again in August 2014 to see dad. My son says India is the best summer
camp ever! Playing with my son in the monsoon rains in my hometown rejuvenated
me to take on another year of law school.
This time law school felt different. I could choose some of
the elective courses that were of professional interest. There was opportunity
for teamwork built into some of the courses. I became more familiar with the
study techniques that produce results. I learnt how to mentally decouple from
my office work. I started appreciating the fact that law school infused me with
a precious dose of youth at this stage of my life! Dad could see the difference
in my attitude when we went to India to visit him in December 2014.
Third year of law school started with a unique experience—a
full-time externship at a federal courthouse in San Jose. I just took one
evening class, and spent my entire semester working at the chambers of Judge
Beth Labson Freeman. It was a 180 degree departure from my normal life in so
many ways! For the first time, I had a female boss. For the first time after
graduate school, I had to share a windowless small office room with another
extern, and had to make do with a modest desk and a prehistoric computer with a
tiny monitor. But none of them mattered because of the intellectual thrill of
finally having an insider’s perspective on the judicial system! On my last day
of the externship, I went out to lunch with the Judge, and she asked me about my parents. She was curious about the life of a working couple in India in her generation. Suddenly it felt like law school is my most favorite thing in
the world!
But can life be that good for long? Of course not! A few
days before Thanksgiving 2015, my dad had a ‘mild’ cardiac arrest. My sister
valiantly took care of things in India. Dad had an emergency angioplasty that
looked all successful initially. Once again, my dad told me to finish my final
exam before coming to visit him. But I guess I was a little wiser this time
remembering how three years back waiting to finish my LSAT robbed me of the opportunity to see
my mom before she went into coma. So I was seriously
contemplating the idea of postponing the exam and go right away. My dad’s
second heart attack within days of his angioplasty made it easier for me to
just drop everything and book the flight to India on Thanksgiving day. This
time life gave me a little more opportunity. I could spend nine whole days by
the side of my dad, chatting with him, cherishing childhood memories, before my
dad rejoined my mom in a different world, reunited for their 46th
marriage anniversary. I would never forget the feeling of emptiness that I felt
leaving India in January 2016—the first time dad didn’t come to the gate to say
goodbye and to wish me good luck for what would be the last semester of law school.
Looking back, I see that my life outside of law school
interweaved itself with my life in law school in a strangely inseparable way! My
parents’ death made me realize that there are bigger things in life than
worrying about law school. At the same time, law school kept me occupied,
making it easier to deal with the loss of both parents in three short years. Perhaps
that is the reason it is bittersweet to say goodbye to law school. It was quite
a journey that we had together for three years! It was my extended youthful
spring break in the scorching summer of my life!
